Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I finally have peace.

After many weeks of wanting to talk with my bishop about my baby struggle I finally did so on Sunday. It's hard talking about something so sensitive with someone that I hardly know but he is there to talk to for comfort. I told him everything. Seriously I just let go of worrying about how dumb I looked crying my eyes out and told him my world. I'll be honest. For the last couple of months my faith and testimony have wavered. I have felt abandoned by my Heavenly Father for not giving me what is the true desire of my heart and never really realized that I wasn't trying to recieve my blessing. If that makes sense at all. My bishop really made me realize that sometimes Heavenly Father gives us trials we may not realize are there for our good. The question..."why do I deserve a baby?" came to mind. It sounds stupid but really I don't deserve a baby right now. What have a done that's good enough to recieve blessings? I have not attended the temple in who knows how long. I haven't read my scriptures regularly. I haven't taken my calling seriously. Why in the world would Heavenly Father give me a baby when I haven't tried hard enough to serve Him? So that's that. I have changed my attitude. I am going to try harder to be a better person. I need to no longer talk ill of anyone...that includes the dumb movie start that bug me that i don't even know. I need to be more honest with myself in how I feel. I need to work hard at my calling and take it seriously. I need to be a better, more supportive wife and friend. I need to be a good example to everyone around me, whether I know them or not. I am going to change!!!

'There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self' -Aldous Huxley

4 comments:

Kat said...

Heavenly Father loves you. I look at you and see many blessings He has given you, and I know you are a blessing to me. Love you!

Ande said...

Okay Allie. I am fighting back and forth about whether or not I should comment on this post. Maybe not. You and I have a VERY different perspective on this subject. I just think you are wonderful and I am sorry that you are having this difficulty and heartache.
xoxo

--------rachael (and kory)-------- said...

I think we (we meaning EVERYONE on this planet)are much more critical of ourselves than anyone else would be. Allie, you are such an amazing woman and example to me. I totally look up to you. I love that I was able to marry into this family and get to know you. You ARE a great person. There are always things in our lives we can improve on but I sincerely believe that you deserve all the good things you desire in life and they will come. Not without heartache and not without hard work but you are so worthy of receiving all you stand in need of. All that's left now is time and patience.

I am now stepping away from the podium.

Just something I heard the other day you probably already know, it takes MOST coupes on average 1 year before conceiving their first child.

The Norton Family said...

hey i don't know if you remember me, but i just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. my husband and i have been trying for 28 months so far with nothing! we have done 3 rounds of artificial insemination and still nothing. its a hard road and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone. i'm sorry you've had struggles as well. anyway. if you have any questions on a good dr. i can give you my info. by the way- you married my brothers friend. his name is nic rudd. good luck with everything!!