Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Please keep in mind..

That I am only writing this to hopefully help someone out there who may be going through what I am. Know that whoever you are, my heart goes out to you. This past weekend was bitter sweet. Mike and I traveled to Las Vegas on Saturday to go to a hair show for the weekend. That Saturday just so happened to be the day I was supposed to start my period (I usually start in the morning and had not yet started but for sure felt like I was going to). As a hope... I also bought a pregnancy test just in case nothing happened by Sunday. Well, nothing. Sunday morning came around and I nervously took the pregnancy test. I was nervous because for the past 8 months all I have seen is NOT PREGNANT! Well this test was my dream come true... PREGNANT! I was so elated. I cried, told Mike, cried some more and just was in pure bliss. It was truly cloud nine. That whole day was normal pregnant feelings. I had to pee a lot, I was exhausted, a little crampy, non stop hungry, and oh so happy. I just felt so blessed to finally have what I had been praying for and had longed for. Monday started off great. We relaxed by the pool, shopped a little and then went up to the room to get ready to go to more shopping. I went to the bathroom to only discover a little blood. I wrote it off as nothing... thinking a little spotting is normal and there's nothing to worry about. Later on I started feeling sick. Really strong cramps, more bleeding and just nervous. I texted my sister hoping she would have the answer and help reassure me that everything was ok. I followed her instructions to go relax at the hotel. Now I have had some pretty bad periods in my day. Heavy, strong, and painful. I can not explain the pain I was experiencing when we went back to the hotel. To my disappointment I knew that I was having a miscarriage. I can not go about explaining the feeling of having a miscarriage. Those of you who have had one know what I am talking about but those of you who haven't, I hope you never do feel what we have felt. It is going from extreme highs to extreme lows. I felt cheated. I was eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, getting plenty of sleep, so what went wrong? The only way of really explaining it is to say it was like being heartbroken. You feel alone and abandoned. I know it's crazy to say that I was feeling this sad when I was only pregnant for 2 days but to me that was the 2 days I was finally able to be a mommy. My baby counted on me to feed it and love it and I did just that and was not able to keep it. As tears steam down my face, and I'm sure they will for a while whenever I think about these days I can only think positive. I know I am not alone. I know that my Heavenly Father is watching over me and comforting me. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this, and in some crazy way that reassures me that everything is ok. That I can survive this... even though right now I feel like giving up. I hope none of you think that I am trying to get sympathy votes here. I only hope that my story can one day comfort someone out there that is going through this. I know that this will always be a tender thing for me to speak or think about, but I will survive. I will get pregnant again, and one day i will be a mommy.

7 comments:

kayla & tyler said...

allie - I am so sorry!! I bet all this is so hard for you. I haven't ever been in that position so I can't say that I know what it's like. Just be strong and you will be blessed with what you want someday! I know that's definately easier said than done. and being patient is sometimes the hardest thing to do! I hope you are feeling better in the next few days! don't let this get you discouraged, although it would be easy to. I know you can do it!!

Liz said...

Allie, I am so very sorry. I can honestly say I know exactly how you are feeling. I read somewhere that it doesn't matter what stage in pregnancy you are when you have a miscarriage you can be so heartbroken. Especially when you want something so bad! Don't worry, look at the situation as now you know that your body is able to get pregnant! Keep looking up, it will happen soon!

The Bowldens said...

allie, this really broke my heart. i know how hard this must have been for you to talk about, but i am glad you did. i was hoping you would tell me and am glad you only had to do it once. on the positive side, thank goodness you KNOW you can get pregnant! one day you will have several children and look back on this and it will be nothing. its just another test for you to grow and get strong. i know you probably hate hearing that. i am so glad you confided in me and pray that you will have a baby sooner than later! i love you more than you could know. now... when the hell are you coming out!?!?!? i miss my baby sister!

Harries Family said...

Allie- I am so sorry that you had to go through this. All I can say is that this baby was not ready to come to earth yet. You will be blessed very soon with a child. I know its hard to understand the purpose for this but you soon will and I will keep you in my prayers. I wish I could give you a big hug, hang in there girl, when the time is right you will be blessed.

Caleb and Shae said...

Allie-
That is just so gut wrenching! I know how badly you want a baby, because I want the same thing. I have medical things in my way that may prevent me from ever having my own biological children, so i truly understand your heartache. I hope with all of my heart that you and Mike will be able to have a baby together. Keep your chin up girlie! It will happen, just on the Lords timetable. His is different than ours, and only he knows why. That little spirit just wasn't ready to come be in your family! Know that I am thinking about you and praying for both of you all the time!

..M.. said...

oh sweet Allie....all i can say is that I just love you. I can't imagine how you must feel.. to going from such a high to a low. I am praying for you always, and hope you know that. Positive side...you got pregnant!! :) it just might take another try or two, but I know that it will happen soon. Stay strong, and know that we are all here for you for anything you need.:) xoxo

Megan Parkes said...

Allie,
I am so sorry about the hard times you've gone through. Ever since we were in 9th grade you've wanted babies. :) I know how bad you want it & I know that it will happen for you when the time is right. Believe me, I know how frustrating that phrase can be. We've all heard it all our lives, but it's so true. I'm learning that more and more as i go through more things in my life. I am so happy that you did get pregnant though, because now you know you can. What a blessing! I hope i didn't discourage you the other day when we went to lunch, i felt/feel SO awful. Had i known you'd just gone through a mis-carriage, i would've have chosen a different time to share my news. I'm sorry, I feel so insensitive. I want you to know that I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you as a friend. I have so many amazing memories with you. We've had lots good times, and some hard times, but that's what makes a great friendship. I hope you are feeling better, and you know how much love people have for you. Please let me know if i can do anything to help, I'd love to have a girls night or even weekend! Talk to you soon i hope. Love Megs.